When Good Vibes Only is Bad Vibes

I remember being properly hustled by a guy in my younger days. He was cute, had amazing eyes and lived by the mantra Good Vibes Only. The interest, on my side, lasted maybe a month. Perhaps it was the eyes, the smile or the body…who knows. I tried my best, but I couldn’t subscribe to the good vibes only thing.

Every time I tried to share something that was not 100% positive, he would say, “Good vibes only baby, remember.” For the handful of people that know me well, I am not a rainbow and sparkles 100% of the time kinda woman. I feel every emotion very intensely, both positive and negative. I am the girl that falls in love too quickly and will cry when I see someone crying. This is definitely the curse of the empath. I know that having a positive outlook on life is good for my mental well-being. The thing is that life isn’t always positive. We all deal with painful emotions and experiences. While it may be unpleasant to deal with, those emotions are essential and need to be felt and processed openly and honestly.

Here is my take on the matter: If you say good vibes only, this is bad vibes definitely. This is toxic positivity. When we speak about toxic positivity, it is the idea that we should maintain a positive mind-set no matter how dire a situation is. Don’t get me wrong, there are many benefits of being an optimist and subscribing to positive thinking, but when we reject difficult emotions for being cheerfully fake, we have a problem.

So what does it look like?

Can you remember being told to “just stay positive” when something terrible happened and all you wanted to do was scream and tear your hair out? This is toxic positivity and it can actually harm people who are going through difficult times. Rather than sharing real human emotions and gaining support, people find their feels dismissed, ignored and outright invalidated. This used to be something I would tell my patients on a regular basis, until I learnt better. I thought I was doing a fantastic job of being supportive. In hindsight, I now realise how wrong my approach was and how insensitive (unintentionally) I was being.

Telling someone that “everything happens for a reason” when someone experiences loss. When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid and they need to find comfort and love in the people who hold space for them. But toxic positivity tells people that the emotions that they are feeling are wrong.

Telling someone “happiness is a choice” when they express disappointment or sadness. While statements like these often come from a place of good intent, they can be very harmful. The best-case scenario — these statements come off bring very cold and dismissive and it excuses us from dealing with someone else’s difficult emotions. Worst case scenario — these statements cause shame and blame on people who are already dealing with an uncomfortable situation. Everyone loses.

Toxic positivity denies people the authentic support that they need to cope with what they are facing. People feel dismissed, ignored and invalidated. It prevents growth by removing our ability to face challenging situations.

In order to grow, we need to be uncomfortable. One story that has always stayed with me about the importance of discomfort and how it is necessary for growth is the one about the lobster. For all of you who are not nerds for life, a lobster has an exoskeleton — its bones are outside. In order for the lobster to grow, it needs to feel so squeezed, squashed and uncomfortable in its shell. This crushing discomfort is the lobster’s stimulus for growth. Maybe as humans, we need to become more like lobsters and embrace our discomfort because it is essential for growth. Toxic positivity invalidates the range of emotions we experience. It can give the impression that you are a defective human being when you feel distressed, translating into the core belief of being weak or inadequate. It distracts from the problem at hand and does not give space for self-compassion, which is crucial for our mental health. Buddha said “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

It is possible to be optimistic in the face of difficult experiences and challenges. But people going through trauma don’t need to be told to stay positive or feel that they are being judged for not maintaining a sunny outlook.

Toxic positivity is a strategy we use to avoid validating any internal discomfort. Avoiding your emotions can actually cause more harm. Let’s think of it as eating jalebis (stay with me, I promise this is going somewhere). I will eat a jalebi every time I want to avoid any discomfort. After the first few jalebis, we are still good, but over time, the sickly sweet taste will do you in, or give you diabetes. What if someone tries to force-feed you jalebis, which you love, when you really don’t feel like eating them? You feel worse about eating and now we have a problem.

The long-term effects of toxic positivity can include encouraging people to stay quiet about their struggles. The connection to people and the feeling of being heard is one of the most powerful cures for anxiety and depression.

So how do we fix it?

1. Avoid ignoring or stuffing your emotions

Acknowledge how you feel, and feel all your emotions, good or bad. Sit with them. Avoiding how you feel, or how you think you should feel will only prolong the discomfort. It is good to talk (or write) about how you feel. Give yourself permission to feel your whole range of emotions, negative and positive. Remind yourself that you’re capable of holding multiple perspectives about uncertain or troubling situations, even when you are right in the middle of it.

2. Take a deeper look at your emotions

We have strategies for examining our emotions and managing them. Deep breathing techniques, guided meditation and journaling are beneficial. As someone who struggles with anxiety and sporadic depression, I find journaling very helpful. Many times, we feel overwhelmed. One reason for this is our brains are programmed to hold many short-term thoughts, just in case we need them immediately. Fears and anxieties are coded as essential and, as such, are kept at the forefront, where we can easily access them. Stupid brain… If we are able to write down these fears and anxieties, even if we can’t do anything about them immediately, we’ve told our brains that it’s OK to let them go because they’re being handled and taken care of.

3. Listen and validate how others feel — even when it’s different than how you feel

Everyone’s entitled to their feelings, positive or negative. We don’t get to say how they process these emotions and how they choose to navigate them. Don’t shame another person for their feelings. It is imperative to acknowledge that others may not cope with things the same way you do. Everyone needs to feel validated and heard. Sometimes the greatest and simplest thing you can do to help a person is to hold space for them while they navigate what they are feeling.

4. Take action for yourself

Give yourself permission to take a break, rest or do something you enjoy, free of guilt. Sort out your sleep habits, exercise regularly, eat well and keep a healthy mealtime routine and talk to your tribe. You can also develop a habit of mindfulness that allows you to find meaning in a spiritual practice or through volunteering. Following this step gives you the capacity to independently make your own choices, whereas toxic positivity just gives you nice-sounding, but empty cliché.

5. Remember that feelings aren’t mutually exclusive

Healthy positivity acknowledges authentic emotions. In other words, you can be happy about something and sad about something at the same time. Your feelings are transitory and don’t define you.

6. Recognize toxic positivity messages

Remember, what makes positivity toxic is that it dismisses other genuine emotions. If the message is that positivity is the only or best way to go, that’s problematic.

7. It’s OK to be wary of social media

Everyone is perfect on social media. Usually, people are not posting their faults and poor decision-making skills. As a result, social media gives the impression that everyone has it more together than you. This can breed a sense of loneliness, shame, and embarrassment. If you are still not clear on why we need to be wary of social media, the answer is that it magnifies social comparison — I need to post only happy pictures and memes, but never the ones showing me having a breakdown and needing help. Truth be told, I am ready to throw away the whole Facebook. As my daughter, Terrorist #2 would say, “everybody has smelly farts.” This is a different toxic situation, but you get the idea. We are not perfect.

It is OK not to be OK. We are currently trying to survive a pandemic. The small act of putting one foot in front of the other is a monumental accomplishment for many of us. The pressure to be productive leaves many people feeling inadequate and ashamed that can’t make it through the day without a panic attack or crying spell. Social media is flooded with messages about how to take advantage of quarantine: Start a side hustle! Be productive! Learn a new foreign language! Start a garden! Make bread! Oh rass…just stop!

My lovies, your job is to survive and to muddle through the craziness of your emotions. Ask for help. There is no shame. Feel everything deeply, the good, the bad and the ugly. The feels — good or bad, don’t last forever. Should you need to talk, I am here for you. I may not be able to give any advice, but I will hold space for you and I will listen to you unbiasedly, with all the compassion and empathy that I am able to give.